There are three really ugly (to me) pieces of art on my easel at the moment.
I am going through a challenging time for a number of personal reasons, and grief is playing a huge role in addition to a number of other really deeply felt, strong feelings.
The first day back in my art studio after two weeks of being away on holidays, I wasn’t feeling it. The best I could do was grab markers and write a bunch of words in my art journal. They were ugly and sad words about how I felt. But at least they were in colour. And I congratulated myself for having stepped into my studio space to create. That was a huge first step given how I was feeling.
The second day I was feeling this way I couldn’t even walk into my studio. And all day, my energy levels were so off and I could feel the tension coursing through every part of my body. I had zero ability to focus. I was miserable.
Yesterday, the third day, through a river of tears I used my self-command muscle to push myself back into the studio.
Choosing colours was easy – black and white and whatever shades of gray those might conjure up (those who know me know I LOVE colour and can never get enough of it, but I wasn’t feeling colour…). For good measure there was a near empty bottle of a deep magenta which made some contrasting deeply red blobs that felt like representations of my tears and perhaps even my pain.
And the first piece I’d done with all the words? I painted gray and back around all those words instead of painting over them, because I needed the words to remain visible. I’d taken the next step. I congratulated myself.
Day four of this emotional rollercoaster produced the piece you see below.
Why share this with all of you? Not to elicit for sympathy or empathy or compassion – I have loads of that inside of me that I generously dole out to myself and others whenever it’s required. I also have so many beautiful and gracious tribal friends who generously help with that.
I share because I get that processing hard feelings is SUPER HARD! It requires Herculean efforts to pull oneself out of a funk. It demands a strong sense of right-brain oriented self-command to walk away from your left-brained oriented pity party, and push yourself towards what you know will ultimately help.
Taking a first step is so hard that we often don’t take it. Even if we know whatever we are stepping towards might help, that first step can feel like it’s 12 feet tall. But it’s so critically important in challenging emotional times when one feels like just shutting down and tuning out to take that first step! Sometimes it’s the only step we have the energy to take. What’s most important is to congratulate oneself on taking that first step.
The first step to going out for a walk is to put your shoes on. If you put on your shoes, there is a stronger likelihood that you’ll make the effort to step outside and start a walk. The first step to writing a novel is starting with a simple outline of ideas. My first step, I knew was to dare to even walk into my studio space.
As an aside, I’ve spent a year setting up my mini-studio in a spare bedroom and always enter it with a sense of JOY. I sit in it and feel inspired. I follow my intuition and the strong urge to put colour onto canvas/wood/paper. There is never, ever enough time to spend in there and I always walk away energized yet calm and truly happy.
A big part of me wrestled with whether to even take my negative energy into the usually joy-filled room. That part didn’t win. I took the first step, entered and found the wherewithal to put my oxygen mask on, if only for a few minutes. I may not have produced anything beautiful (to my own eyes), but I expressed my emotion. Little bits of it were drawn out of me and onto the paper. That offered a modicum of relief.
Emotion that is not processed bottles up, like a beach ball that you are trying to hold under the water. Eventually your strength will give out and that ball will explode up out of the water, probably causing damage to anything in its wake.
Processing really strong emotions is about letting them course through us, being curious about how they appear in our bodies and looking for ways to help them gradually dissipate so they don’t explode.
Creative outlets – music, making art, dancing, writing and others are all self-expressive ways to help with emotional release.
The process of engaging in a creative outlet requires a mindful, almost meditative focus and attention which can help distance one from the negative thoughts spurred on by all the raw emotion.
Creative activities often require problem-solving and demand innovative thinking, both of which can translate to new perspectives on one’s challenges and emotions.
Creating anything demands we draw from deep within ourselves, facilitating increased self-awareness and ongoing growth.
Today’s work is hardly gallery ready, nor is it representative of how I typically approach my studio time. Normally I wouldn’t even dare to publicly share something like this. But it’s raw, bold, and chock full of emotion that continues to need processing.
I took the first step on Day 1 and walked into the room. I congratulated myself. On Day 3 I took a few next steps, and again congratulated myself.
Today I really put my oxygen mask on and deeply expressed my feelings. And nothing hurts as badly today as it did yesterday.
Lesson Learned: Find your own creative outlet for self-expression and take the first step even when you aren’t feeling it. Your emotional well-being will thank you for it.